The Misadventures of Nero Wolfe: Parodies and Pastiches Featuring the Great Detective of West 35th Street by Josh Pachter, ed.: A Collection of Short Pieces Celebrating Nero Wolfe

The Misadventures of Nero Wolfe: Parodies and Pastiches Featuring the Great Detective of West 35th Street by Josh Pachter, ed. Kindle Edition, 364 pg. Mysterious Press, 2020 Read: April 15-27, 2020 Grab a copy from your local indie bookstore!

Wow—2 chances to talk about Nero Wolfe in less than a month? Say what you will about 2020, there are some really nice things going on, too.

In the same vein as the 2018 compilation that he co-edited, The Misadventures of Ellery Queen, Pachter (with the blessing of Stout’s daughter), Pachter presents just what the title promises: a collection of short pieces featuring takes on Nero Wolfe (and, generally, Archie Goodwin).

There are three introductory essays—one by Otto Penzler; one by Stout’s daughter, Rebecca Stout Bradbury; and then one from Pachter (which served as a typical introduction). All three of these pieces were a pleasure to read, but obviously, Bradbury’s is the standout for sentimental reasons.

Then we move into pastiches, although some felt more like parodies to me—but why quibble? The first entry just didn’t work for me, and almost put me off the project as a whole. But, it’s Wolfe, so as much as I say “almost”—there’s no chance that’d stick. Thankfully, the second entry more than made up for it, as did the rest. A personal highlight came from Pachter reprinting the first chapter of Murder in E Minor, Robert Goldsborough’s first Wolfe novel—I appreciated the reminder that I did really like his work at one point. (I wish something from William L. DeAndrea’s Lobo Blacke/Quinn Booker books had made it in here)

The next section featured a handful of parodies. By and large, I enjoyed this part, but I would’ve appreciated a bit more subtlety with many of the works. The story “Julius Katz and the Case of Exploding Wine” was simply fantastic—I will be tracking down more of these stories by Dave Zeltserman as soon as I can (I have a browser tab open at the moment for an e-store with the collections).

The final section, “Potpourri,” was my favorite. It included things like a story about a circus’ Fat Woman doing a fine Nero Wolfe impression (and was a pretty clever story even without that); Pachter’s short story about a young man named for Wolfe, “Sam Buried Caesar,” which was utterly charming; and a scene from Joseph Goodrich’s stage adaptation of Might as Well Be Dead. The highlight of this section (and possibly the entire book) was a little story called “The Damned Doorbell Rang,” about a couple who used to live next to Wolfe’s Brownstone on West 35th (obviously on the opposite side from Doc Vollmer), who didn’t realize who they lived next to, nor appreciate the goings-on in the brownstone. An inspired idea that was executed wonderfully.

As with almost every compilation ever assembled, there were a lot of high highs and very low lows in this one—and most readers will likely disagree with what I’d put in either category. But I can’t imagine any Wolfe reader not finding more than enough in this book to consider any time spent with it a win. The writers all clearly had fun with the subject matter, and it’s infectious. Pachter has speculated about doing another collection of Wolfean tidbits. If he does, I know I’ll be more than ready to grab it.

For a lot more about the book—the background, more information about some of the entries/authors/whatnot—check out Episode 10 of Like the Wolfe podcast. It’s a fun episode.

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A Few Quick Questions With…Like the Wolfe Podcast (and a little bit of an intro to it)

Most of what I’ve written about Nero Wolfe/Archie Goodwin and their author Rex Stout predates this blog, but I’ve not hid the fact that I’m a near-rabid fan, and will take any excuse to mention them. So imagine my excitement when a few weeks ago, someone joined one of the fan groups on Facebook and mentioned he had a podcast working through the Corpus.

Like the Wolfe is working their way, book by book, through series starting with the first, Fer-de-Lance (something I wrote about it, their podcast episode). Typically, there’s a little bit of material that’s safe for someone who hasn’t read the book under discussion, but most of the episode is full of spoilers and assumes a familiarity with the material.

Which honestly, is fine—few Wolfe and Archie fans read (or re-read, re-re-read, re-re-re-re-read, etc.) the books for the whodunit.

In the first few episodes, the audio quality isn’t that great and the hosts are clearly learning how to do a podcast. But those shortcomings actually come across as charming, and their enthusiasm is infectious. By Episode 8-The Silent Speaker, the audio quality has really improved and the hosts have obviously become comfortable with the format.

I binged the first 9 episodes in under a week, and had a blast. Sure, I’d quibble with some of the observations and would demur with some of their evaluations/criticisms—but that’s part of the fun, right?

Anyway, I’ve blathered on long enough—the hosts, Reyna Griffin and Jeff Quest, were gracious enough to answer a few questions for me. Check these out, and then go listen to their podcast. If you’re new to Wolfe, it’s a great introduction (Quest himself is a newbie), if you’re a die-hard fan, you’ll love revisiting the books (if you’re in between—give it time, you’ll become a die-hard). If you have no idea what I’m talking about? Give the books a shot, and use this podcast to help (I also blathered on a bit about the idea here).

Why don’t you both start off by giving me a little bit of background info about you as readers/in general? Introduce yourselves to us—and how did you get to know one another? I’m guessing it wasn’t via a Craigslist advertisement, “Looking for a Co-Host for a Nero Wolfe Podcast.” (do note, out of respect for the character that brings us together, I didn’t abbreviate advertisement—I just can’t bring myself to do it anymore)

Reyna Griffin (RG): Hello! I always wonder what would be great to say about myself, but here it goes! My name LaReyna Griffin and I LOVE Nero Wolfe novels. I am a huge fan of mystery/detective novels – I really like to get away from the real world. For me reading is something I do to just decompress and I do like to read other than detective novels (even tho I will never say no to a Poirot story) these are my favorites. I am in 2 book clubs, they typically are not my usual books so I do get out of my comfort zone a few times a month. Some of my favorite authors are Christie, Beaton, and of course Stout. How I met JQ? Jeff was my boss at my previous job – he actually has been my boss since I was 18, in one way or another, and it was through this that I found that we both were book folks. The idea for the podcast was *maybe* a collab brainchild but probs more Jeff. Jeff Quest (JQ): Jeff Quest here and I seem to remember this being prompted more by Reyna than myself. I’m the newbie to the series and take care of most of the tech side of the podcast. I’ve always been a fan of mysteries and was more than happy to try an author I hadn’t read before. I have a far greater knowledge of spies, I write and podcast about them at my site SpyWrite.com and that’s probably what prompted the idea of a podcast looking at Wolfe. Wolfe is a surprising blind spot in my mystery reading so when Reyna suggested reading through the series and talking about each book I was up for it. However I leave the encyclopedic knowledge of the Nero Wolfe series to Reyna.

What brought each of you to the Nero Wolfe series? Was it a recommendation from someone? Just stumbling across one in a bookstore? Did you mean to buy a book about Orchid Growing and get a very poor substitute? For me, it was an aunt who insisted I’d like them—she eventually got tired of me ignoring them and just handed me a couple of them (I believe it was Where There’s a Will and something else), and that was it. Three decades later and I’m still re-reading them.

RG: My mother brought me to Nero but what kept me here was watching the A&E series (brought to life by Timothy [Hutton] and Maury [Chaykin]). I loved the books but the characters became so real for me once that show was aired. I actually rewatch the show on a weekly basis, it is just that timeless and good. It says something about a show that is on par with the books (maybe better??). JQ: Reyna was the one that has me hooked on the series, although it really only took reading the first book to see why so many have fallen in love with the series. From the first moments Archie’s voice is so vibrant and fun, you can’t help but want to keep reading.

Why a podcast? Whose idea was it and how did it come about?

RG: Hmm I think the podcast because we wanted to share our love for the topic and this was the best format. I wasn’t much for a blog because I am not a writer and also I wanted to maintain some contact/interaction with JQ. JQ: Yeah, since I had done a few other podcasts on spy related topics for my own site and the Spybrary podcast (Spybrary.com), this seemed like a fun way to keep in touch with Reyna while also having some interesting structured discussions.

What kind of response are you getting to these episodes?

RG: We were on break for a bit, due to life issues, but now we see that folks are interacting with the podcast – from comments to tweets about our choices. JQ: So far so good. We didn’t really promote it much yet, we wanted to have a few episodes under our belt before doing that, but folks seem to be enjoying it, aside from my apparently foolish references to Wolfe as “Nero.” which gets folks riled up.* I had a chance to talk to Josh Pachter about the book he edited, The Misadventures of Nero Wolfe, which was quite fun. I’m hopeful that I can do some more of that. It would be great to give the fan community a place to hear the voices of others who enjoy his work, especially for those who don’t have a local Wolfe club to gather with.

* I’d note that I’m one of those riled up by that, Archie has noted that only three men refer to him by his first name. That’s a personal bugbear, and I don’t hold it against them (however must I grimace when I hear it). One more question about the podcast itself—are we going to ever get to hear your “Lost Episodes” (Some Buried Ceasar, Over My Dead Body, Where There’s a Will, Black Orchids, Not Quite Dead Enough, Booby Trap—I assume Black Orchids is around the corner, given that you did Cordially Invited to Meet Death)?

JQ: I’ll take the blame for this. The dreaded “tech issues” reared their head. We lost a couple due to a garbled recording and I have a couple that I need to go back to the original recordings to reedit for release after the first edit was lost in a hard drive crash. Luckily, I’ve spent the time we were on hiatus learning a bit more on how to put out a better podcast. So the quality for future episodes should be stronger than those early episodes.

Let’s shift to the books themselves: Jeff, you’re the neophyte (by the way, I’d love to be in your shoes and have all these great reads in my future—they’re great re-reads, but for them to be new again?), so what’s your favorite Wolfean moment so far? Reyna, I don’t know if you can limit yourself to just one at this point (especially without ruining anything for Jeff), so maybe give me one from the books you’ve discussed on the podcast.

RG: My favorite moment we have not hit yet! My favorite moment comes in The Doorbell Rang, a very cool scene in Wolfe’s office with the client where he puts her in her place while still being a gentleman. JQ: Is it the very first book where Archie is lamenting losing the wallet that Wolfe gave him?* Although Archie gives Wolfe a hard time, it shows how much he really cares and what they’ve been through together. I really liked that moment.

* Great moment indeed, but it’s from The League of Frightened Men, the second novel (which Quest has mentioned enough on the podcast that I was surprised he slipped here). You’ve both talked about enjoying Wolfe’s vocabulary. I know that my vocabulary (in writing and in conversation) improves generally when I’m in the middle of a Wolfe novel have you found that? Reyna, this is more likely for you (but Jeff can weigh-in if he wants): do you have a favorite Wolfean word/phrase? How many of them have entered your day-to-day vocabulary? Personally, off the top-of-my-head, I use “flummery” quite often; I can’t type it any other way than, “Pfui,” (and typically pronounce it like that); and will go out of my way to not use “contact” as a verb (and have been told I scowl when people do so at work). ?

RG: While I find “Flummery” as my go-to word for something outlandish, I prefer to use some of his phrasings – they randomly will pop into my head, usually when at work and dealing with a difficult client. One I used recently in a meeting with my boss was “Cheek meets cheek” – referenced in Eeny Meeny Murder Moe. JQ: I probably haven’t read enough of the books for his vocabulary to really sink in yet but I can’t resist a good “satisfactory.”

You talked a little about casting Arche in your Introduction to him, and you’ve suggested actors for other prominent characters. But aside from a little tongue-in-cheek (I presume) casting that I couldn’t hear in your The League of Frightened Men episode, I don’t think I’ve heard you suggest anyone for Wolfe. My current picks for him are Vincent D’Onofrio or Steve Schirripa (assuming he can lose the Brooklyn accent), what about you?

RG: I love Vincent D’Onofrio, and his recent twitter soliloquies really reinforce this. He would be great! He has that slightly off-putting method that makes him a great Wolfe. Besides him, I actually can’t think of an actor that would be fitting for the shoes left by Maury Chaykin. I also need to see it, because before I saw Kenneth Branagh as Poirot I would never have thought we could recast from David Suchet. JQ: I always find dream casting tough. Mainly because film and tv is so different from print. Personally, I’d go with some unknowns that could really make the role their own. The trouble with well-known actors is that it becomes hard to see past the actor and let them become a character that we all know and love. If you forced me to pick, I’d go crazily out of the box and say someone like Andre Brauer for Wolfe and Daniel Radcliffe for Archie. Brauer has that great broodiness that’s needed and can just look smart. Radcliffe is too short but has a fun energy that he could bring to the role. But I might not mention those on the podcast, the Wolfe Pack (or Reyna) would probably string me up!

Bauer is an inspired choice—Radcliffe’s not bad, either, I can see that working. Thanks for your time—and thanks for the podcast, I’m thoroughly enjoying it.

RG and JQ: Thanks for having us here and for listening!

Happy Birthday, Archie!

My annual tribute to one of my favorite fictional characters (if not my all-time favorite). I’ve got to do an overhaul to this soon, but it is slightly updated and tweaed from last year.

On Oct 23 in Chillicothe, Ohio, Archie Goodwin entered this world—no doubt with a smile for the pretty nurses—and American detective literature was never the same.

I’m toasting him in one of the ways I think he’d appreciate most—by raising a glass of milk in his honor.

Who was Archie? Archie summed up his life thusly:

Born in Ohio. Public high school, pretty good at geometry and football, graduated with honor but no honors. Went to college two weeks, decided it was childish, came to New York and got a job guarding a pier, shot and killed two men and was fired, was recommended to Nero Wolfe for a chore he wanted done, did it, was offered a full-time job by Mr. Wolfe, took it, still have it.” (Fourth of July Picnic)

Long may he keep it. Just what was he employed by Wolfe to do? In The Black Mountain he answers the statement, “I thought you was a private eye” with:

I don’t like the way you say it, but I am. Also I am an accountant, an amanuensis, and a cocklebur. Eight to five you never heard the word amanuensis and you never saw a cocklebur.

In The Red Box, he says

I know pretty well what my field is. Aside from my primary function as the thorn in the seat of Wolfe’s chair to keep him from going to sleep and waking up only for meals, I’m chiefly cut out for two things: to jump and grab something before the other guy can get his paws on it, and to collect pieces of the puzzle for Wolfe to work on.

In Black Orchids, he reacts to an insult:

…her cheap crack about me being a ten-cent Clark Gable, which was ridiculous. He simpers, to begin with, and to end with no one can say I resemble a movie actor, and if they did it would be more apt to be Gary Cooper than Clark Gable.

I’m not the only Archie fan out there:

• A few months back, someone pointed me at this post, The Wit and Wisdom of Archie Goodwin. There’s some really good stuff here that I was tempted to steal, instead, I’ll just point you at it.
• Robert Crais himself when writing an introduction to a Before Midnight reprint, devoted it to paying tribute to Archie—one of the few pieces of anything written that I can say I agree with jot and tittle.

In case you’re wondering if this post was simply an excuse to go through some collections of Archie Goodwin quotations, you wouldn’t be totally wrong…he’s one of the fictional characters I like spending time with most in this world–he’s the literary equivalent of comfort food. So just a couple more great lines I’ve quoted here before:

I would appreciate it if they would call a halt on all their devoted efforts to find a way to abolish war or eliminate disease or run trains with atoms or extend the span of human life to a couple of centuries, and everybody concentrate for a while on how to wake me up in the morning without my resenting it. It may be that a bevy of beautiful maidens in pure silk yellow very sheer gowns, barefooted, singing “Oh, What a Beautiful Morning” and scattering rose petals over me would do the trick, but I’d have to try it.

I looked at the wall clock. It said two minutes to four. I looked at my wrist watch. It said one minute to four. In spite of the discrepancy it seemed safe to conclude that it would soon be four o’clock.

Description:I shook my head. “You’re flattering me, Inspector. I don’t arouse passions like that. It’s my intellect women like. I inspire them to read good books, but I doubt if I could inspire even Lizzie Borden to murder.”

She turned back to me, graceful as a big cat, and stood there straight and proud, not quite smiling, her warm dark eyes as curious as if she had never seen a man before. I knew damn well I ought to say something, but what? The only thing to say was ‘Will you marry me?’ but that wouldn’t do because the idea of her washing dishes or darning socks was preposterous.

“Indeed,” I said. That was Nero Wolfe’s word, and I never used it except in moments of stress, and it severely annoyed me when I caught myself using it, because when I look in a mirror I prefer to see me as is, with no skin grafted from anybody else’s hide, even Nero Wolfe’s.

If you like Anglo-Saxon, I belched. If you fancy Latin, I eructed. No matter which, I had known that Wolfe and Inspector Cramer would have to put up with it that evening, because that is always a part of my reaction to sauerkraut. I don’t glory in it or go for a record, but neither do I fight it back. I want to be liked just for myself.

When a hippopotamus is peevish it’s a lot of peeve.

It was nothing new for Wolfe to take steps, either on his own, or with one or more of the operatives we used, without burdening my mind with it. His stated reason was that I worked better if I thought it all depended on me. His actual reason was that he loved to have a curtain go up revealing him balancing a live seal on his nose.

It helps a lot, with two people as much together as he and I were, if they understand each other. He understood that I was too strong-minded to add another word unless he told me to, and I understood that he was too pigheaded to tell me to.

I always belong wherever I am.

Nero Wolfe on Taxes

seems like a good day to post this…

A man condemning the income tax because of the annoyance it gives him or the expense it puts him to is merely a dog baring its teeth, and he forfeits the privileges of civilized discourse. But it is permissible to criticize it on other and impersonal grounds. A government, like an individual, spends money for any or all of three reasons: because it needs to, because it wants to, or simply because it has it to spend. The last is much the shabbiest. It is arguable, if not manifest, that a substantial proportion of this great spring flood of billions pouring into the Treasury will in effect get spent for that last shabby reason.

–Nero Wolfe
from And Be a Villain

Happy Birthday, Archie!

My annual tribute to one of my favorite fictional characters (if not my all-time favorite).

On Oct 23 in Chillicothe, Ohio, Archie Goodwin entered this world–no doubt with a smile for the pretty nurses–and American detective literature was never the same.

I’m toasting him in one of the ways I think he’d appreciate most–by raising a glass of milk in his honor.

Who was Archie? Archie summed up his life thusly:

Born in Ohio. Public high school, pretty good at geometry and football, graduated with honor but no honors. Went to college two weeks, decided it was childish, came to New York and got a job guarding a pier, shot and killed two men and was fired, was recommended to Nero Wolfe for a chore he wanted done, did it, was offered a full-time job by Mr. Wolfe, took it, still have it.” (Fourth of July Picnic)

Long may he keep it. Just what was he employed by Wolfe to do? In The Black Mountain he answers the statement, “I thought you was a private eye” with:

I don’t like the way you say it, but I am. Also I am an accountant, an amanuensis, and a cocklebur. Eight to five you never heard the word amanuensis and you never saw a cocklebur.

In The Red Box, he says

I know pretty well what my field is. Aside from my primary function as the thorn in the seat of Wolfe’s chair to keep him from going to sleep and waking up only for meals, I’m chiefly cut out for two things: to jump and grab something before the other guy can get his paws on it, and to collect pieces of the puzzle for Wolfe to work on.

In Black Orchids, he reacts to an insult:

…her cheap crack about me being a ten-cent Clark Gable, which was ridiculous. He simpers, to begin with, and to end with no one can say I resemble a movie actor, and if they did it would be more apt to be Gary Cooper than Clark Gable.

I’m not the only Archie fan out there:

• A few months back, someone pointed me at this post, The Wit and Wisdom of Archie Goodwin. There’s some really good stuff here that I was tempted to steal, instead, I’ll just point you at it.
• Robert Crais himself when writing an introduction to a Before Midnight reprint, devoted it to paying tribute to Archie. — one of the few pieces of anything written that I can say I agree with jot and tittle.

In case you’re wondering if this post was simply an excuse to go through some collections of Archie Goodwin quotations, you wouldn’t be totally wrong…he’s one of the fictional characters I like spending time with most in this world–he’s the literary equivalent of comfort food. So just a couple more great lines I’ve quoted here before:

I would appreciate it if they would call a halt on all their devoted efforts to find a way to abolish war or eliminate disease or run trains with atoms or extend the span of human life to a couple of centuries, and everybody concentrate for a while on how to wake me up in the morning without my resenting it. It may be that a bevy of beautiful maidens in pure silk yellow very sheer gowns, barefooted, singing “Oh, What a Beautiful Morning” and scattering rose petals over me would do the trick, but I’d have to try it.

I looked at the wall clock. It said two minutes to four. I looked at my wrist watch. It said one minute to four. In spite of the discrepancy it seemed safe to conclude that it would soon be four o’clock.

Description:I shook my head. “You’re flattering me, Inspector. I don’t arouse passions like that. It’s my intellect women like. I inspire them to read good books, but I doubt if I could inspire even Lizzie Borden to murder.”

She turned back to me, graceful as a big cat, and stood there straight and proud, not quite smiling, her warm dark eyes as curious as if she had never seen a man before. I knew damn well I ought to say something, but what? The only thing to say was ‘Will you marry me?’ but that wouldn’t do because the idea of her washing dishes or darning socks was preposterous.

“Indeed,” I said. That was Nero Wolfe’s word, and I never used it except in moments of stress, and it severely annoyed me when I caught myself using it, because when I look in a mirror I prefer to see me as is, with no skin grafted from anybody else’s hide, even Nero Wolfe’s.

If you like Anglo-Saxon, I belched. If you fancy Latin, I eructed. No matter which, I had known that Wolfe and Inspector Cramer would have to put up with it that evening, because that is always a part of my reaction to sauerkraut. I don’t glory in it or go for a record, but neither do I fight it back. I want to be liked just for myself.

When a hippopotamus is peevish it’s a lot of peeve.

It helps a lot, with two people as much together as he and I were, if they understand each other. He understood that I was too strong-minded to add another word unless he told me to, and I understood that he was too pigheaded to tell me to.

I always belong wherever I am.

When Archie Met Lily

80 years ago today, Archie Goodwin — one of my top 5 All-Time Favorite Characters — met the only woman who could keep his attention for more than a few months, Lily Rowan. Lily shows up several times in the series and threatens to steal every scene she appears in (and frequently succeeds). Check out this post from Today in Mystery Fiction for the details — one of my favorite scenes, from one of my favorite books in possibly my favorite series — (I think I have 3 or 4 copies of it), so I had to say something.

How they met 80 years ago, when Archie’s only in his mid-30’s, is beyond me. But Math was never my strong suit, I’m sure it makes sense, surely Charlie Epps (or Larry or Amita) could explain it to me.

Happy Birthday, Archie!

My annual tribute to one of my favorite fictional characters (if not my all-time favorite).

On Oct 23 in Chillicothe, Ohio, Archie Goodwin entered this world–no doubt with a smile for the pretty nurses–and American detective literature was never the same.

I’m toasting him in one of the ways I think he’d appreciate most–by raising a glass of milk in his honor.

Who was Archie? Archie summed up his life thusly:

Born in Ohio. Public high school, pretty good at geometry and football, graduated with honor but no honors. Went to college two weeks, decided it was childish, came to New York and got a job guarding a pier, shot and killed two men and was fired, was recommended to Nero Wolfe for a chore he wanted done, did it, was offered a full-time job by Mr. Wolfe, took it, still have it.” (Fourth of July Picnic)

Long may he keep it. Just what was he employed by Wolfe to do? In The Black Mountain he answers the statement, “I thought you was a private eye” with:

I don’t like the way you say it, but I am. Also I am an accountant, an amanuensis, and a cocklebur. Eight to five you never heard the word amanuensis and you never saw a cocklebur.

In The Red Box, he says

I know pretty well what my field is. Aside from my primary function as the thorn in the seat of Wolfe’s chair to keep him from going to sleep and waking up only for meals, I’m chiefly cut out for two things: to jump and grab something before the other guy can get his paws on it, and to collect pieces of the puzzle for Wolfe to work on.

In Black Orchids, he reacts to an insult:

…her cheap crack about me being a ten-cent Clark Gable, which was ridiculous. He simpers, to begin with, and to end with no one can say I resemble a movie actor, and if they did it would be more apt to be Gary Cooper than Clark Gable.

I’m not the only Archie fan out there:

• A few months back, someone pointed me at this post, The Wit and Wisdom of Archie Goodwin. There’s some really good stuff here that I was tempted to steal, instead, I’ll just point you at it.
• Robert Crais himself when writing an introduction to a Before Midnight reprint, devoted it to paying tribute to Archie. — one of the few pieces of anything written that I can say I agree with jot and tittle.

In case you’re wondering if this post was simply an excuse to go through some collections of Archie Goodwin quotations, you wouldn’t be totally wrong…he’s one of the fictional characters I like spending time with most in this world–he’s the literary equivalent of comfort food. So just a couple more great lines I’ve quoted here before:

I would appreciate it if they would call a halt on all their devoted efforts to find a way to abolish war or eliminate disease or run trains with atoms or extend the span of human life to a couple of centuries, and everybody concentrate for a while on how to wake me up in the morning without my resenting it. It may be that a bevy of beautiful maidens in pure silk yellow very sheer gowns, barefooted, singing “Oh, What a Beautiful Morning” and scattering rose petals over me would do the trick, but I’d have to try it.

I looked at the wall clock. It said two minutes to four. I looked at my wrist watch. It said one minute to four. In spite of the discrepancy it seemed safe to conclude that it would soon be four o’clock.

She turned back to me, graceful as a big cat, and stood there straight and proud, not quite smiling, her warm dark eyes as curious as if she had never seen a man before. I knew damn well I ought to say something, but what? The only thing to say was ‘Will you marry me?’ but that wouldn’t do because the idea of her washing dishes or darning socks was preposterous.)

“Indeed,” I said. That was Nero Wolfe’s word, and I never used it except in moments of stress, and it severely annoyed me when I caught myself using it, because when I look in a mirror I prefer to see me as is, with no skin grafted from anybody else’s hide, even Nero Wolfe’s.

If you like Anglo-Saxon, I belched. If you fancy Latin, I eructed. No matter which, I had known that Wolfe and Inspector Cramer would have to put up with it that evening, because that is always a part of my reaction to sauerkraut. I don’t glory in it or go for a record, but neither do I fight it back. I want to be liked just for myself.

When a hippopotamus is peevish it’s a lot of peeve.

It helps a lot, with two people as much together as he and I were, if they understand each other. He understood that I was too strong-minded to add another word unless he told me to, and I understood that he was too pigheaded to tell me to.

I always belong wherever I am.

Pub Day Repost: Nearly Nero by Loren D. Estleman

Nearly Nero: The Adventures of Claudius Lyon, the Man Who Would Be Wolfe

by Loren D. Estleman
eARC, 192 pg.
Tyrus Books, 2017
Read: March 24 – 30, 2017

I’ve heard about the stories in this volume for years, but have never tracked one down before — and then a whole collection of them show up on NetGalley! How could I not request it? I’m so glad this book exists so that those of us who don’t get the magazines, etc. that publish short mystery fiction can have them (and even those who do have access to those magazines, etc. can have them in one handy volume).

Anyway, here’s the setup: Claudius Lyon is a huge fan of Nero Wolfe — he reads every one of the reports that Archie Goodwin’s literary agent Rex Stout publishes. He’s such a fan that he wants to be Wolfe (like the guys dressing up in Batsuits in The Dark Knight Rises) — he’s fat, fairly clever, and wealthy enough not to need to work and still indulge himself. He renovates his townhouse to include a greenhouse, an elevator, and a first floor floorplan that pretty much matches Wolfe’s. He hires a private chef — a kosher chef of dubious quality (not that Lyon needs to eat kosher, it’s just what Gus can cook), changes his name to something that approximates his hero’s and hires a “man of action,” Arnie Woodbine. Arnie’s an ex-con, small-time crook who doesn’t mind (too much) putting up with his looney boss for a steady paycheck and meals.

The number of ways that Lyon isn’t Wolfe is pretty large and I won’t spoil your fun in discovering them. Now, Lyon’s unlicensed as a PI, so he can’t take on paying clients — but he occasionally gets people who will take him up on his free services. He’s decent at solving puzzles and low-priority mysteries (not that he doesn’t find his way into something bigger on occasion). Once he gets a client (non-paying, Arnie’d have me stress), he goes through whatever steps he needs to figure it out (including his own version of Wolfe’s lip movement and sending Arnie on fact-finding missions), and goes to some lengths to assemble some sort of audience for his reveal. I can’t help smiling as I think about it, really.

The whole thing is a tongue-in-cheek tribute to the Nero Wolfe/Rex Stout — recognizing the brilliance of the Stout’s work (how can you not?), while poking fun at it. Lyon’s really a goofy character and Woodbine is great at pointing that out — while begrudgingly admitting that he gets things right every now and then. There’s a lot of fun to be had in the story telling — the mysteries aren’t all that much to get excited about, it’s in watching Lyon stumble through his cases that the entertainment is found. Well, that and Woodbine’s commentary.

Not unlike many of the Wolfe stories (particularly the short stories).

I wouldn’t recommend reading more than two of these stories in a sitting, I think they work best as solo shots. It’s a difficult call, because I typically wanted to go on for one more. Also, I’m not sure how enjoyable these’d be for non-Wolfe readers — but then again, I think a lot of the humor would hold up and it might entice a reader to learn more about Lyon’s idol. And anything that gets people to read Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe novels is a good thing.

But for readers of Stout’s Wolfe novels? This is a must read. He’s not trying and failing to recapture Stout’s magic (see Goldsborough post-The Bloodied Ivy), he’s intentionally missing and yet somehow getting a little of it. I really enjoyed this book and can easily see me re-reading it a handful of times.

Disclaimer: I received this eARC from Adams Media via NetGalley in exchange for this post — thanks to both for this.

Nearly Nero by Loren D. Estleman

Nearly Nero: The Adventures of Claudius Lyon, the Man Who Would Be Wolfe

by Loren D. Estleman

eARC, 192 pg.
Tyrus Books, 2017

Read: March 24 – 30, 2017


I’ve heard about the stories in this volume for years, but have never tracked one down before — and then a whole collection of them show up on NetGalley! How could I not request it? I’m so glad this book exists so that those of us who don’t get the magazines, etc. that publish short mystery fiction can have them (and even those who do have access to those magazines, etc. can have them in one handy volume).

Anyway, here’s the setup: Claudius Lyon is a huge fan of Nero Wolfe — he reads every one of the reports that Archie Goodwin’s literary agent Rex Stout publishes. He’s such a fan that he wants to be Wolfe (like the guys dressing up in Batsuits in The Dark Knight Rises) — he’s fat, fairly clever, and wealthy enough not to need to work and still indulge himself. He renovates his townhouse to include a greenhouse, an elevator, and a first floor floorplan that pretty much matches Wolfe’s. He hires a private chef — a kosher chef of dubious quality (not that Lyon needs to eat kosher, it’s just what Gus can cook), changes his name to something that approximates his hero’s and hires a “man of action,” Arnie Woodbine. Arnie’s an ex-con, small-time crook who doesn’t mind (too much) putting up with his looney boss for a steady paycheck and meals.

The number of ways that Lyon isn’t Wolfe is pretty large and I won’t spoil your fun in discovering them. Now, Lyon’s unlicensed as a PI, so he can’t take on paying clients — but he occasionally gets people who will take him up on his free services. He’s decent at solving puzzles and low-priority mysteries (not that he doesn’t find his way into something bigger on occasion). Once he gets a client (non-paying, Arnie’d have me stress), he goes through whatever steps he needs to figure it out (including his own version of Wolfe’s lip movement and sending Arnie on fact-finding missions), and goes to some lengths to assemble some sort of audience for his reveal. I can’t help smiling as I think about it, really.

The whole thing is a tongue-in-cheek tribute to the Nero Wolfe/Rex Stout — recognizing the brilliance of the Stout’s work (how can you not?), while poking fun at it. Lyon’s really a goofy character and Woodbine is great at pointing that out — while begrudgingly admitting that he gets things right every now and then. There’s a lot of fun to be had in the story telling — the mysteries aren’t all that much to get excited about, it’s in watching Lyon stumble through his cases that the entertainment is found. Well, that and Woodbine’s commentary.

Not unlike many of the Wolfe stories (particularly the short stories).

I wouldn’t recommend reading more than two of these stories in a sitting, I think they work best as solo shots. It’s a difficult call, because I typically wanted to go on for one more. Also, I’m not sure how enjoyable these’d be for non-Wolfe readers — but then again, I think a lot of the humor would hold up and it might entice a reader to learn more about Lyon’s idol. And anything that gets people to read Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe novels is a good thing.

But for readers of Stout’s Wolfe novels? This is a must read. He’s not trying and failing to recapture Stout’s magic (see Goldsborough post-The Bloodied Ivy), he’s intentionally missing and yet somehow getting a little of it. I really enjoyed this book and can easily see me re-reading it a handful of times.

Disclaimer: I received this eARC from Adams Media via NetGalley in exchange for this post — thanks to both for this.

Happy Birthday, Archie!

My annual tribute to one of my favorite fictional characters (if not my all-time favorite). Revised and expanded this year! Watching Luke Cage with my sons has served to remind me of a problem I had in the 80’s reading Marvel comics — most references to Archie Goodwin aren’t to this one. Nothing against Marvel’s Archie Goodwin, but it’s a shame that he’s the one I see the most.

On Oct 23 in Chillicothe, Ohio, Archie Goodwin entered this world–no doubt with a smile for the pretty nurses–and American detective literature was never the same.

I’m toasting him in one of the ways I think he’d appreciate most–by raising a glass of milk in his honor.

Who was Archie? Archie summed up his life thusly:

Born in Ohio. Public high school, pretty good at geometry and football, graduated with honor but no honors. Went to college two weeks, decided it was childish, came to New York and got a job guarding a pier, shot and killed two men and was fired, was recommended to Nero Wolfe for a chore he wanted done, did it, was offered a full-time job by Mr. Wolfe, took it, still have it.” (Fourth of July Picnic)

Long may he keep it. Just what was he employed by Wolfe to do? In The Black Mountain he answers the statement, “I thought you was a private eye” with:

I don’t like the way you say it, but I am. Also I am an accountant, an amanuensis, and a cocklebur. Eight to five you never heard the word amanuensis and you never saw a cocklebur.

In The Red Box, he says

I know pretty well what my field is. Aside from my primary function as the thorn in the seat of Wolfe’s chair to keep him from going to sleep and waking up only for meals, I’m chiefly cut out for two things: to jump and grab something before the other guy can get his paws on it, and to collect pieces of the puzzle for Wolfe to work on.

In Black Orchids, he reacts to an insult:

…her cheap crack about me being a ten-cent Clark Gable, which was ridiculous. He simpers, to begin with, and to end with no one can say I resemble a movie actor, and if they did it would be more apt to be Gary Cooper than Clark Gable.

I’m not the only Archie fan out there:

• A few months back, someone pointed me at this post, The Wit and Wisdom of Archie Goodwin. There’s some really good stuff here that I was tempted to steal, instead, I’ll just point you at it.
• Robert Crais himself when writing an introduction to a Before Midnight reprint, devoted it to paying tribute to Archie. — one of the few pieces of anything written that I can say I agree with jot and tittle.

In case you’re wondering if this post was simply an excuse to go through some collections of Archie Goodwin quotations, you wouldn’t be totally wrong…he’s one of the fictional characters I like spending time with most in this world–he’s the literary equivalent of comfort food. So just a couple more great lines I’ve quoted here before:

I would appreciate it if they would call a halt on all their devoted efforts to find a way to abolish war or eliminate disease or run trains with atoms or extend the span of human life to a couple of centuries, and everybody concentrate for a while on how to wake me up in the morning without my resenting it. It may be that a bevy of beautiful maidens in pure silk yellow very sheer gowns, barefooted, singing “Oh, What a Beautiful Morning” and scattering rose petals over me would do the trick, but I’d have to try it.

I looked at the wall clock. It said two minutes to four. I looked at my wrist watch. It said one minute to four. In spite of the discrepancy it seemed safe to conclude that it would soon be four o’clock.

She turned back to me, graceful as a big cat, and stood there straight and proud, not quite smiling, her warm dark eyes as curious as if she had never seen a man before. I knew damn well I ought to say something, but what? The only thing to say was ‘Will you marry me?’ but that wouldn’t do because the idea of her washing dishes or darning socks was preposterous.)

“Indeed,” I said. That was Nero Wolfe’s word, and I never used it except in moments of stress, and it severely annoyed me when I caught myself using it, because when I look in a mirror I prefer to see me as is, with no skin grafted from anybody else’s hide, even Nero Wolfe’s.

If you like Anglo-Saxon, I belched. If you fancy Latin, I eructed. No matter which, I had known that Wolfe and Inspector Cramer would have to put up with it that evening, because that is always a part of my reaction to sauerkraut. I don’t glory in it or go for a record, but neither do I fight it back. I want to be liked just for myself.

When a hippopotamus is peevish it’s a lot of peeve.

It helps a lot, with two people as much together as he and I were, if they understand each other. He understood that I was too strong-minded to add another word unless he told me to, and I understood that he was too pigheaded to tell me to.

I always belong wherever I am.